Down in the Depths of my Heart

I've been so grateful for all the encouraging messages since I last posted.  What a wonderful place "blog land" really is, filled with incredible people who truly know how to reach out in friendship and caring to one another.   You really bless me!

So, some have been wondering how my journey is coming along.  On the weight loss front, things are going slowly but good.  I've been continuing every day with my walking and enjoying it tremendously.  Had a few weeks where I hit a big plateau but finally lost another 3 lbs this week so that's good.   And my faith journey is becoming a real adventure too.  I'm amazed at how God is helping me to learn new things all the time and providing me with wonderful friends for comfort and prayer support along the way.

Do you remember that old Sunday School song "Down in My Heart?"

(If you want the lyrics for the whole song you can find them here in this children's song book:  All the Child)

Lately, the words of one of the verses has come to mean something special to me.  It's a bit of a tongue twister and if you know the song, you'll know that this is one of the hardest verses to sing, especially because as kids we used to try to sing it as fast as we possibly could without making a mistake on the words:

I've got the wonderful love of my Blessed Redeemer right down in the depths of my heart,

Down in the depths of my heart (where?)

Down in the depths of my heart (where?)

I've got the wonderful love of my Blessed Redeemer right down in the depths of my heart,

Down in the depths of my heart to stay!

And I'm so happy, so very happy,

I've got the love of Jesus in my heart, 

Down in my heart,

And I'm so happy, so very happy,

I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!

So WHY has this song become so meaningful to me now?  Well, I've been waking up with panic attacks lately in the middle of the night.  I'm not sure what's causing it but I've been waking up with my heart pounding and feeling horribly frozen in fear.  One of my friends suggested that maybe I should get tested for sleep apnea because it's possible that this is why it's happening.  My sister thinks it might be just a hormonal thing.  But whatever is causing it, I don't like it!  I wake up frozen in fear and so afraid that I'm scared to even turn over and reach out to my husband for comfort!  It doesn't last long .... just a moment or so, but it seems like a life-time to me.  

I've tried to "pray" my way out of the attacks and since I'm a very visual person, I have been trying to picture my way out of my panic.  So I have been searching my Bible for various "images" that will help me to picture my way out of the situation.  For instance, I thought about that lovely verse in the Proverbs that says that the name of the Lord is a STRONG TOWER, that the righteous can run into and find safety (Proverbs 18:10).   The only problem I have with this image is that when I'm frozen in fear, it doesn't seem possible for me to run anywhere even if it is to a strong safe tower!   I end up frozen in fear with this frightening picture of a little girl fleeing through the darkness, trying desperately to reach a safe haven.

So I talked to God and asked Him to give me the perfect visual to help me through the fear.  I know He doesn't want me to be afraid, after all, His word says that "God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).  That's exactly what I want - power, love and a sound mind!   So I prayed that He would help me .... and a couple of days later, this is the Scripture I read:

We know that we live in him and he in us, 

because he has given us of his Spirit. 

And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son 

to be the Savior of the world. 

If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, 

God lives in him and he in God. 

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. 

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

1 John 4:13-16

Yes, I've read these verses many times before, but suddenly I was struck anew with the fact that I don't have to go, run, walk, or flee anywhere to find God!   He, by His great mercy, has chosen to live inside of me!  He's right there in my heart with me through my most difficult moments!  I am not alone.  And that God who lives in me, is a God of LOVE!  So even though I feel like my whole being is flooded with fear, a big part of me is actually taken up by the unconditional, unmatchable, unchanging LOVE OF GOD! 

So for now, I am singing that little children's hymn over and over again in my mind, reminding myself that I really do have the "wonderful love of my Blessed Redeemer right down in the depths of my heart!"  And I'm continuing to feel incredibly humble and blessed that God answers my prayers when I seek Him.  He doesn't tell me to "buck up and get a stiff upper lip and get on with my life" ... instead, He has great compassion on me and addresses my fears directly by helping me to find the perfect Scripture that brings me comfort.

Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays.  

Søren Kierkegaard

Carrying Jesus - He Ain't Heavy, He's my Brother.

This afternoon we went to visit my sister-in-law in Toronto. This is always something of an adventure and something both of us approach with some dread because E. suffers with schizophrenia and we really never know what will happen. The last few years E. has been in a nursing home and things have dramatically improved. She is getting regular meals, regular medication, and has a clean, safe room to live in. That being said, medicating someone who has suffered from mental illness for many, many years, on top of her current physical complications of diabetes, high blood pressure, and increasing vision loss, is not an easy task. So we're never sure if she will be having a "good" day where she will be almost lucid and only moderately insulting, or a "bad" day when she will spend the vast majority of the visit vacillating between bizarre laughter and her "woodpecker speech," a term my husband has coined for the "rat-a-tat-tat" rapid, never-ceasing, verbal diatribe that characterizes many of her conversations.

Needless to say, I usually try to find something of interest in Toronto, or along the route, to inspire me into feeling like the trip has been worth the effort. Sometimes we stop for a nice meal at a new restaurant that looks interesting, or at an old stand-by (like the Pickle Barrel at Sherway Gardens, or the Firehall in Bronte). If the weather is nice, we might stroll along the waterfront at Queens Quay, or take a drive along Bridal Path to gawk at the beautiful homes. I always hope that something nice will happen along the way to make up for the exasperation that generally accompanies our visits.

Today we actually had a rather good visit! E. was almost 100% lucid. The only time she got insulting was when my husband asked her if the large rock in the gardens at the nursing home had fallen from the moon, to which she replied, "No, it fell from your ass, stupid!" Even my husband had to admit his question had been silly, and we both laughed at her response. But E.'s medication was starting to wear off and before things could take a rapid decline into woodpecker territory, we decided to end our visit and head out.

That's when it happened. The neat thing I was hoping for came along. We were sitting at the intersection of Dunn & King St. W., waiting for the light to change and there she came - a petite, frail-looking elderly Filipino lady carrying an immense and cumbersome statue of Jesus! She struggled across the intersection with the statue hugged close to her body, and may I clarify here that the statue was easily 3/4 as long as her entire body. I have no idea how heavy he was (cue music: He ain't heavy, He's my brother), but obviously she was having some difficulty and kept glancing up at the walk signal with a certain amount of desperation in her eyes as she wondered if she could get herself and the statue across the intersection safely before traffic started up again with the light change.

And yes, before you ask, my mind did immediately go to the lyrics of "Plastic Jesus" - but only for a split second before in the next instance, I began to wonder who this woman was, and why she was carrying this statue, and where she was going with it? And naturally (being an English major) my mind began to ponder the symbolism of the moment - shouldn't we all be carrying Jesus, moment by moment, everyday? And what does it mean to carry Jesus everywhere we go? Is that a difficult task? Do we struggle under the load, anxiously rushing to cross intersections safely with our cumbersome load?


Two different scriptures came to mind. I looked them up and meditated upon them when I got home. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus does invite us to "carry" Him with us. He says:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

As I pondered those words, I thought about how they make me feel inside -- not overwhelmed, not frustrated, not anxious, but the complete opposite. Christ's words fill me with peace and contentment. They are a reminder that "carrying Jesus" is not an impossible, overbearing task, something done out of duty whilst gritting my teeth, but rather an easy task that will replenish my weary soul, not deplete it. He's not an inanimate statue, after all, but the Son of God, who loves us with an everlasting love, and carries us from the very brink of death into eternal life!

The other scripture that came to mind is one that our pastor referred to this morning in his sermon. In 2 Corinthians 2:14-15, the apostle Paul encourages us with these words:

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing."

This week I have been amazed by the fragrance of blossoms in our orchard - apricot, plum and cherry trees have burst into the most beautiful blooms and to take a stroll through the orchard is the most amazingly decadent experience! Imagine that God chooses to use us, in all of our human imperfections, with all of our human failings, to spread everywhere the fragrance of Jesus! Not only am I carrying Jesus with me, but I'm carrying His fragrance! Astounding! How can this be? What an amazing responsibility!

So today was a reminder to me that I am carrying Jesus wherever I go, and I shouldn't be doing that out of a sense of duty that weighs me down, but out of love for the amazing Saviour whom I serve. Even when it means spending a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon visiting with a mentally ill relative when I'd rather be outside enjoying the nice weather, or a Monday morning sitting behind my desk working on accounts receivables when I'd rather be enjoying a good book, or scrubbing pots and pans in my kitchen when I'd rather be cooking up a creative meal. I'm carrying Jesus wherever I go, and I want others to recognize His fragrance in my life.