Down in the Depths of my Heart

I've been so grateful for all the encouraging messages since I last posted.  What a wonderful place "blog land" really is, filled with incredible people who truly know how to reach out in friendship and caring to one another.   You really bless me!

So, some have been wondering how my journey is coming along.  On the weight loss front, things are going slowly but good.  I've been continuing every day with my walking and enjoying it tremendously.  Had a few weeks where I hit a big plateau but finally lost another 3 lbs this week so that's good.   And my faith journey is becoming a real adventure too.  I'm amazed at how God is helping me to learn new things all the time and providing me with wonderful friends for comfort and prayer support along the way.

Do you remember that old Sunday School song "Down in My Heart?"

(If you want the lyrics for the whole song you can find them here in this children's song book:  All the Child)

Lately, the words of one of the verses has come to mean something special to me.  It's a bit of a tongue twister and if you know the song, you'll know that this is one of the hardest verses to sing, especially because as kids we used to try to sing it as fast as we possibly could without making a mistake on the words:

I've got the wonderful love of my Blessed Redeemer right down in the depths of my heart,

Down in the depths of my heart (where?)

Down in the depths of my heart (where?)

I've got the wonderful love of my Blessed Redeemer right down in the depths of my heart,

Down in the depths of my heart to stay!

And I'm so happy, so very happy,

I've got the love of Jesus in my heart, 

Down in my heart,

And I'm so happy, so very happy,

I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!

So WHY has this song become so meaningful to me now?  Well, I've been waking up with panic attacks lately in the middle of the night.  I'm not sure what's causing it but I've been waking up with my heart pounding and feeling horribly frozen in fear.  One of my friends suggested that maybe I should get tested for sleep apnea because it's possible that this is why it's happening.  My sister thinks it might be just a hormonal thing.  But whatever is causing it, I don't like it!  I wake up frozen in fear and so afraid that I'm scared to even turn over and reach out to my husband for comfort!  It doesn't last long .... just a moment or so, but it seems like a life-time to me.  

I've tried to "pray" my way out of the attacks and since I'm a very visual person, I have been trying to picture my way out of my panic.  So I have been searching my Bible for various "images" that will help me to picture my way out of the situation.  For instance, I thought about that lovely verse in the Proverbs that says that the name of the Lord is a STRONG TOWER, that the righteous can run into and find safety (Proverbs 18:10).   The only problem I have with this image is that when I'm frozen in fear, it doesn't seem possible for me to run anywhere even if it is to a strong safe tower!   I end up frozen in fear with this frightening picture of a little girl fleeing through the darkness, trying desperately to reach a safe haven.

So I talked to God and asked Him to give me the perfect visual to help me through the fear.  I know He doesn't want me to be afraid, after all, His word says that "God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).  That's exactly what I want - power, love and a sound mind!   So I prayed that He would help me .... and a couple of days later, this is the Scripture I read:

We know that we live in him and he in us, 

because he has given us of his Spirit. 

And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son 

to be the Savior of the world. 

If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, 

God lives in him and he in God. 

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. 

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

1 John 4:13-16

Yes, I've read these verses many times before, but suddenly I was struck anew with the fact that I don't have to go, run, walk, or flee anywhere to find God!   He, by His great mercy, has chosen to live inside of me!  He's right there in my heart with me through my most difficult moments!  I am not alone.  And that God who lives in me, is a God of LOVE!  So even though I feel like my whole being is flooded with fear, a big part of me is actually taken up by the unconditional, unmatchable, unchanging LOVE OF GOD! 

So for now, I am singing that little children's hymn over and over again in my mind, reminding myself that I really do have the "wonderful love of my Blessed Redeemer right down in the depths of my heart!"  And I'm continuing to feel incredibly humble and blessed that God answers my prayers when I seek Him.  He doesn't tell me to "buck up and get a stiff upper lip and get on with my life" ... instead, He has great compassion on me and addresses my fears directly by helping me to find the perfect Scripture that brings me comfort.

Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays.  

Søren Kierkegaard

Things that go bump in the night...

"It was square and shiny, enclosed in cardboard, sitting in the living room as if it had been there always. But it had not been there the day before. I walked around it, gingerly giving it a wide birth. I had seen these before and each time I had been afraid. The picture on the top of the box showed a streamlined clear-glass panel, with four silver knobs for feet. At the very top, a small rectangular shape would give the digital read-out. I feared the worst. I could not open the box."

Studying popular culture as an elective a few years back, I was quite intrigued by the idea that science fiction is actually quite conservative. I had always thought of sci-fi as a radical type of fiction that postulated the impossible and stretched the reader’s mind to embrace objects and beings that were products of the author’s over-active imagination. How could it be conservative, yet clearly have such unorthodox elements? 

But as I began to study it, rather than just read it for pleasure, I could see how the genre reflects and asserts our most conservative fears about the world we live in. As J.P. Telotte suggests in Anthology of Drama, science fiction is chiefly characterized by fear – “as a genre that often deals with speculation about the future, science fiction (like other genres of fantasy) is familiar with and particularly well-suited to address our various fears: of technological and cultural change, of the future, of the unknown…” (Anthology of Drama, 115). When taken in this light, the sub-story of every science fiction piece becomes a fascinating look at the culture that produced it as it can become a tell-tale indicator of the fears with which that culture struggles. 

So, what does that little introductory paragraph reveal about my own culture of fear?

Yeah, that's right.  The dreaded bathroom scale!  The battery in our bathroom scale died a few months ago and I keep promising my husband that I'll get a replacement.  Finally, the day before yesterday, I happened to see this scale for sale and at $13, I figured it was almost as cheap as a new battery.  I bought the darn thing but haven't gathered up my courage yet to take it out of the box.  It's sits ominously in my living room, waiting for my fears to dissipate, or at least, temporarily retreat.  

On a more positive note, however, I have been making a concerted effort to cook with more veggies!

I've never cooked artichoke before, so I'm looking forward to giving that a try.  And we just read recently that dragon fruit is supposed to be extremely healthy so we're trying that too.  The bag on the right is one of my favourite products - broccoli slaw.  It's such a convenient way to make stir-fry, salad, etc. and ups my veggie intake for the day really quickly.  

Hopefully, with all the veggies we've been eating, the bathroom scale isn't something I need to fear.  Still, I'm pretty sure I could write a convincing sci-fi novel about our society's obsession with weight.  In the mean time, it occurs to me that the old adage "you can run but you can't hide" would be more applicable in this situation if I was to re-arrange it a little - "you can run, but then you wouldn't need to hide!"  For now, I'll leave running to those of you who are more physically fit - I think I'll stick to trying to increase my veggie intake and getting a good walk once a day.  And given enough time, perhaps I'll get over my fear of the dreaded bathroom scale.